Red, White and Blue Moon

Two nights ago, I did the impossible. The unthinkable. The potentially hazardous to my health.

I infiltrated enemy ranks. That’s right: I entered…the red zone.

As the first Presidential Debate loomed on the evening timetable, I bridged the partisan divide and attended two debate-watching events: one Republican, and one Democratic.

As you might imagine, I didn’t have a thing to wear.

The Republican get-together was first. After thoroughly browsing JohnMccain.com (not the easiest site to navigate, in my opinion), I found the closest debate-watching event in a small town located 15 miles from my house, a town that, as I would discover later that evening, also happens to be the county seat for the local chapter of the KKK. After one wrong turn that landed me in the middle of a state park, I wound my way through the tortuous dark roads until I finally arrived, 45 minutes before the debate began.

The address led me to a two-story shingled home belonging to a Mr. F, located off the main street of a small town. As I lifted my fist to knock, I noticed an array of five stickers on the front door:

National Rifle Association.

North American Hunting Club.

U.S. Marine Corps.

U.S. Military: Proud to Serve.

American and Proud.

I couldn’t help but smile. It’s like this man’s door was stumping for stereotypes.

“Come in,” a faceless voice said from inside. So I did.

To my surprise, I was the only one there.

A man with a crew cut and a walking cane stood to greet me. He sized me up as I extended my hand. “I’m Bree,” I said quickly, wondering if I was crossing some invisible line. I wasn’t really a Republican. Was I supposed to fake it?

Slightly nervous, I babbled on. “I hate to stop and run, but I can’t stay very long…” I trailed off. “There’s another event I’m trying to catch tonight.”

“That’s fine,” he said, nodding agreeably. “That’s what most people have been doing—they just stop in to get their stuff and leave.” He motioned to a table in the center of the room where a veritable pile of McCain paraphernalia lay. Pages, pamphlets, brochures, bumper stickers, round stickers, notepads—and of course, massive McCain yard signs. “Here,” Mr. F said, hobbling to
the table and collecting a hefty pile. “Take some.”

I took them in my hand, feeling slightly fraud-like. “Be right back,” he said, “and don’t mind the dog.”

“Dog?” I hadn’t seen a dog.

“Name’s Cupcake,” he said over his shoulder before disappearing into the bowels of his house.

I took the opportunity to analyze his living room. There were two bowls of potato chips on two wooden tables. Two televisions were nestled into the bookshelves, both set to CNN . There were even two fish tanks, identical in size and color, facing each other from opposite walls. It was like everything in the room had its duplicate. The effect was somewhat eerie.

Cupcake materialized from the kitchen. He wandered into the living room, a Beagle mutt with sad and baleful eyes. When I reached down to pet him, he winced and moved away.

“He was abused,” said Mr. F, ambling slowly and carefully into the room. “Want to give me your email?”

We chatted for a few more minutes, Mr. F talking about some of the local Republican politicians and, when I commented on the medals in his glass case, his thirteen years of service as a Marine. He wrote out some information on a notepad.

Standing in his living room, hand poised over the chip bowl, I felt obliged to ask a question like a real Republican would do. “So. We gonna win?” I asked, my heart wiggling like Eggs Benedict.

“McCain’ll take it,” he said, without even looking up. “Some of the local guys might be closer, though.”

In that moment, it occurred to me that half a country of McCain supporters are utterly confident that McCain will win. The other half are utterly certain it will go the other way. Obviously, one of the two groups is utterly wrong.

I helped myself to some candy before I made my way out. I’m pretty sure it was left over from Halloween.

As I closed his front door behind me, I noticed seven hot dogs roasting on the grill. Had Mr. F expected more guests? Maybe he’d envisioned watching the debate with others, reminiscing over his days in the first Gulf War and discussing our country’s glorious future. I felt a twinge of sadness.

But I hurried on my way. Besides—the Democrats had free beer and chicken wings.

When I got to the inn where the Democrats were preparing to watch the debate, it was a lively crew. No liberal vegans here—on the contrary, there were several pitchers of beer and a heaping pile of spicy chicken wings. Very left wing.

“This is gonna be good,” said a man as he stumbled toward a table, extending a shaky hand to touch the chandelier overhead. “Obama’s ideas are just so…they’re so perfect!”

I settled myself into a corner and turned on my laptop, preparing to take notes.

The moment the debate began, someone hit the lights and all 21 people crammed into the room fell silent. A mystical darkness fell over us as all eyes looked up at the television screen. You could have heard a bone crunch.

But it didn’t take long for the whispers to begin. Midway through the first ten minutes, as both candidates struggled to answer Jim Lehrer’s questions on the economy, a rippling groan of dissent went through the room.

“He’s not answering the question,” said a woman beside me, shaking her head in disgust at John McCain.

“And not only that, but the Republicans are refusing to sign!” another woman said, referring to the latest failed bailout deal.

The debate continued, and every once in a while, someone would pipe up, “Are you out of your god damn mind?” when McCain said something particularly ludicrous.

I typed away furiously, trying to capture everything I could. “The war has cost us 600 billion dollars and more than 4,000 lives,” intoned Obama, “and yet Al Qaeda is stronger now than ever before.” I couldn’t help but marvel over the fact that, when I erred in my spelling of “Al Qaeda,” Microsoft Word spell check was quick to offer me the correct alternative. What a testament to how much times have changed since 2001.

Around the time the phrase “fundamental difference” had been used for about the ninth time, I noticed my laptop was running out of juice. I took a furtive glance around the dark room and located the only open outlet—directly under the television.

There was only one thing to do: I got on my hands and knees, desperately trying not to attract attention to myself, and crawled toward the outlet with computer cord in hand, ever reverent to the almighty god of electrical current.

When I got there, I noticed one of the two sockets in the outlet was occupied by a black cord. I didn’t think much of it as I thrust my laptop cord into the remaining socket.

Then suddenly, silence.

The room was strangely quiet and dark. I looked up. The television was off, completely powered down. 20 people emitted simultaneous groans and objections as my heartbeat ground to a screeching halt.

“Oh my god,” I said, “did I do that?”

And sure enough, I had. I had unplugged the first Presidential Debate. I hadn’t even unplugged it—I'd simply plugged my laptop in, and in so doing, disrupted the electrical current and turned off the Presidential Debate while 20 impassioned Democrats were watching with bated breath. And to make matters worse, it wouldn’t go back on.

The next thirty seconds were the longest thirty seconds of my life. I jimmied, I unplugged, and I replugged, all the while offering profuse apologies to the rest of the room. I blew on the socket. I shook it. I pounded it furiously with my fist. Silently, I cursed it. I also noticed the sooty burn marks around each of the sockets. Oh, god.

Somehow, it came back on. I was so very thankful, so very thankful that I crawled out of the room with my laptop in hand.

Obama and McCain talked about Iraq next, or so I heard. By that point, I was at the bar, cowering in shame over a Blue Moon and actively avoiding a roomful of perturbed Democrats. I even made a new friend, a guy who’d completed two tours in Iraq. It cost him 60 percent of his hearing in his right ear and most of the ligament in his shoulder. It cost him his faith in our President, too.

Obviously, I didn’t exactly succeed at watching the debates. And quite frankly, I’m not sure the debates succeeded, either.

I still haven't unloaded my car. For two days, I’ve been driving around with a McCain yard sign in my back seat. Right next to it, an Obama sign rests contentedly on the plush burgundy fabric.

I wonder what the neighbors think.